More of Our Story

I cannot thank everyone enough for your comments and emails over the last two days. Your support brought (and continues to bring) needed encouragement to my potentially difficult uneventful day.

Since we’re sharing, may I tell you a couple stories from this journey we’ve been on over the past few months? Maybe it will be encouraging to some of you who have or are walking a similar journey as us. There are so many of us…

My fight to hope (excerpts from my journal…)

“Today was the day. The pregnancy test gave us the exciting news. The question running through our hearts and minds now is whether or not we'll make it past the first few weeks. Two months ago, I miscarried at the end of week four (or five depending on how you count it). I know this is common (1 in 3 pregnancies?), but it was extremely difficult to swallow. I know I am high risk; I've been charting for ten months. Still, it doesn't lessen the sadness. Yet God was amazingly gracious in providing us with comfort and peace and even joy (rooted in faith in Him) through the mourning. Now we simply pray and wait again...and wonder whether this is His timing...or not.”

A couple days later… “With my first pregnancy, I miscarried the evening of the day I had a positive pregnancy test. It was one of the most difficult days of my life. Quite the rollercoaster of emotions. (I had "known" I was pregnant for about a week before the positive test and suspected it the entire time.) I was thankful for Greg, a couple friends, and my parents who loved on me while I cried and tried to take in everything that had happened. It's amazing to go through an entire day and now TWO entire days knowing that God is forming our little one inside of me. I am immensely thankful for these two days. I plead with my Father to let this little one survive through the next 8 months and live to open its eyes and see its parents one day, but I trust God's timing. His plan is perfect. It cannot be thwarted. I rejoice in His constancy and find great joy and peace in resting in His will.”

A few more days later… “I recognize that we still have a high risk of miscarriage at this point. I have gone back and forth about how to handle it, and in the end, I've decided to live with hope instead of dread or anxiety or fear. I have faith in God's provision, and I have faith in His plan. And I am hoping that it includes our little one making it into my arms one day. If not, well then, our Father will walk with us through that time. Now is a time of rejoicing and taking care of this little one.”

A few more days later… “My beloved son or daughter, You left me today. This is a reality of which I am consciously aware, yet my heart stubbornly refuses to accept. I had a week longer to dream about you than our first little one. Your daddy and I made our first prenatal appointments; we found out at which hospital you would have been delivered. We began talking about possible names for you… You were such a delight to us for the past couple of weeks. I am thankful to have been your home for these few weeks... How do I go on, Lord? How can I endure this again? How can I continue to hope after a second loss so great? What did my hope gain other than greater heartache? I know what it gained...greater joy. And peace. And faith. And love. Even through this short amount of time being a mother, you allowed me to know You more and You conformed me ever more to Your image. I imagine, Lord, that much is yet to come as I process and begin a new page… I don't know how to take the next step… Father, be my Light, my Guide, my Strength, my Path, my Joy, my Shepherd, my Shield, my Life. Please teach me how, once again, to mourn the death of another little child of mine.”

A few days after our miscarriage, Greg offered to have a little memorial and symbolic burial in our nearby reservation. I cannot express how healing this was for me, I think for both of us actually. We found a secluded place, dug a little hole, and buried two little symbols of the children we have lost this year. Greg said some words about our journey, prayed for us, and we said goodbye to our unborn little ones.

What a testimony of the Lord’s faithfulness that just two and a half weeks later I find myself at a place where I can say (or at least try to say) to God: “Thank You that I can move into the future non-defensively, with hands outstretched to whatever lies ahead, for You hold the future and You will always be with me.”

Thanks for walking with us.